Never Can Say Goodbye
by Sg1Trooper
Summary: Jack tries to find the words to say goodbye but can he or will he?


How am I going to say goodbye?

It's come to this. I don't know how I 'm going to let you go. After 8 years of being together you are no longer going to be mine alone.

The hole in my heart is growing. It's getting bigger and when I saw the ring and you asking me what I thought. I wanted to yell out you're leaving me? I want to yell out no and to ask why, and to ask you to say it isn't so. I don't want to let you go.

I know I have to say goodbye to close the book that was once what we felt for one another. You found another to replace me in your life but I prayed not in your heart. I thought it wasn't serious that you would come to your sense and figure out that he wasn't right for you. But he offered you something I could not. Not at this time we had work to complete and I thought we had an understanding.

I was wrong.

I kept thinking our problems would soon work out but once one was solved three other came to light. It was a never-ending cycle. I expected you to wait but I know it was wrong to expect you to put your life on hold you have needs and I wish I could have been the one to fulfill them.

The loneliness is hard I know. I've had to live with it also but just knowing you would be there at the end was worth it to me. I never expected you to move to start a life without me.

I pretend to be happy for you saying you deserve the happiness you've found. But there's doubt in your eyes. Even thought I try to hide my feelings, you know what is in my heart. I see the pain in your eyes or is it pity? I avoid you after that not wanting you to throw away your happiness because you see me in pain.

Every time I think I can't go on I do its something that must be done life must go on even though I don't want to let you go. I must.

But I always come to the same conclusion.

I never can say good-bye.

Even though the pain and heartache seem to follow me now wherever I go, I never can say goodbye.

Goodbye would be final no longer able to wish for something that isn't mine or was it ever mine to begin with?

Why do I put myself through this torture? I should let go get on with my life but how do I pick up the pieces of my heart? I see that you're happy you are happy right Carter?

But every time I think about you my brain starts heading for the door telling me that it's over and to stop torturing us. My conscious yells out that I lost and to move on.

But my heart is shaken to the core and I don't know if I can go on I don't think I can let you go you are a part of me the part that was good in my life. The part that saved me from the darkness that threaten to engulf me.

The guys don't know what to say to me. They thought like I did that we would be together and that this new man in your life was just a phase.

Daniel is angry and tells me all the time it's a mistake and Teal'c doesn't say anything at all. He knows what I had and how I had lost it.

He came close one day and asked why I was such a fool? That I had let you slip through my fingers and that if I did not act I would lose you forever.

For being someone who does not let his emotions dictate his actions I was moved by his words. I was a fool a fool to think a person like Carter would have any connection to someone like me.

I was a soldier trained to keep my emotions in check. My training helped me seem aloof and cool towards others but it also provided me with a shield to get away with not feeling like I had to express what I felt. This turned out to be my downfall. Carter deserved to be loved and I loved her in my own way but not in the way she needed it.

I can't do with you and I can't do without you. My dilemma is a never- ending loop filled with anguish and filled with doubt. I will resigned myself to never say goodbye to be there for you even though it will hurt me to see you with another but I would rather have a glimpse of you an off handed smile and just to know that you are still close by if that's all I can have then so be it.

I will stand in the shadows and watch you leave me behind and I will try and make my life bearable with the knowledge I will be alone with out your love to keep me safe and to keep me warm at night.

But know this for certain Carter, I will never say goodbye.


End file.
